Disclaimer: The astrological price predictions presented in this article are as reliable as a horoscope written by a cat. If you take any of this advice seriously, you might as well consult a Magic 8-Ball or a fortune cookie. Don’t blame the stars if you lose your pants in the crypto-market.
I hesitated, my finger hovering over the “buy” button. Should I really pay $37.95 to an astrologer who claimed to pick the best cryptocurrencies based on planetary positions? It sounded absurd, but then again, so did investing in digital tokens. In the end, I decided to trust my own research. Who needs the stars when you have Google and TradingView?
My subconscious mind must have had too much coffee because it decided to come up with an unnecessary poem at that very moment. I mean, seriously, who needs a poem to understand the ups and downs of the crypto-market? It’s like using a fork to eat soup – It just doesn’t make sense. Anyways, say ‘yada yada yada,’ looking at this piece of art and move on to the next paragraph.
Bitcoin blasted beyond $29k,
Bringing glee to those who love to play.
The tech analysts and crypto critics knew,
But who else was happy? The astrologers, too!
Their charts and graphs may seem bizarre,
Based on the stars and celestial bazaar.
Yet in the world of finance and funds,
Their predictions sparkle like shooting suns.
So, let’s not snicker at their cosmic arts,
For in this market, they play a part.
And as Bitcoin ascends to the skies,
We’ll see if their stargazing really flies.
You might have known technical and fundamental analyses to predict the market’s next move. But, you see, there are so many cases when these predictions fall flat. Well, that’s exactly where astrological analyses can help. Said exactly one person – An astrologer.
Perhaps, I was sold on the aforementioned statements. While it might sound like a convincing scam, astrological Bitcoin predictions are a reality. In fact, I hadn’t come across anything like this in my entire existence until, on 11 April, I stumbled upon an astrological article on Bitcoin. It read,
Believe it or not, some astrologers are taking their celestial talents to a whole new level by applying them to the wacky world of finance! And, if that wasn’t enough, a select few are even looking to the stars to help make sense of the unpredictable world of Bitcoin.
Determined to satisfy my curiosity, I took it upon myself to investigate the concept of “Bitcoin astrological prediction.” Little did I know that what I was about to discover would be a complete revelation. The world that unfolded before me was nothing short of a surprise – A veritable rabbit hole of information and theories that I never knew existed.
Bitcoin’s marriage with Jupiter (LOL)
According to Aura Wright, an entrepreneur who specializes in predicting the crypto-market through her astrological studies, Bitcoin’s movement over the coming week will not be as expected. In fact, this week is reportedly another very subjective week. One wherein all the planets are below the horizon and everyone is making a decision based on how they feel about things. (Wait, isn’t that a known fact?)
Anyway, talking about Bitcoin’s retreat to the $ 30,000 level, the “crypto-prophet who can take your profits to the moon,” said,
“Right now Mercury is connected with Uranus and will be for a couple of days which is a manipulation of some kind. Well, Bitcoin did go up, it’s a kind of manipulation. This is not an actual move.”
If you are acquainted with astrology, best of luck understanding the chart above. If not, ignore it just the way I did. To believers, Prophet Aura recommends not buying BTC in large amounts at this level since the planetary position (Some Mercury, Uranus talk) might push it below and you can get a chance to buy it at a lower level.
On a side note, the Sun is going over Jupiter. Hence, the market is reportedly going to be upbeat and optimistic for this week. Greed could be a driving factor too.
Apparently, this crypto-prophet can even help you make a bullet-proof portfolio. Ergo, looks like crypto-analysts might need to brush up on their horoscope-reading skills because they’re about to be out of a job. So long, Lark Davis!
Now, let’s pay attention to another astrologer – Jessica Adams. She has been involved in astrology for decades. In fact, she has even predicted Satoshi Nakamoto’s date of birth. Whether it is really 5 April 1975, only God can verify. God or well, Nakamoto himself.
In fact, as per a Financhill (Weird name? YES) blog post,
“Adams has made a number of Bitcoin astrology predictions in recent years. She bases her guidance on a Bitcoin date of birth that matches that of the cryptocurrency’s anonymous creator, Satoshi Nakamoto. One of the most often cited predictions is her May 2021 statement that Bitcoin would crash in May 2022. Sure enough, that came to pass, which has her followers convinced of her skill.”
Now, if you’re one with a faint heart, please don’t read any further. It could be bad news for investors, especially because Bitcoin’s fortune-teller predicts the end of the king coin by 26 April 2026. Save the date then. Maybe, it’s time to channel your inner Sherlock Holmes and investigate these shenanigans yourselves!
In case you want to know the astrological nature of the king coin, it’s worth considering this –
Bitcoin’s star-studded story
According to Astro.com, Mars is prominent on Bitcoin’s natal chart. Mars is strongly associated with innovation, trendsetting, and originality.
“Bitcoin made us familiar with a totally new concept, cryptocurrency. Its energy is also difficult to control and enhances buyers’ thirst for risk. In the fifth house, the house of gambling, this is even more noteworthy. Its conjunction with Pluto provides hidden power, tremendous resistance, strength, passion, and courage. Transit Saturn’s conjunction with Mars and Pluto in the coming months may bring restrictions on the number of investments.”
Now, I have always been an admirer of human resilience and creativity. Hence, color me impressed when I found out that someone wrote a 2000-word blog post on the birth chart of Bitcoin with some “heavenly” analysis. Satoshi might have been impressed too. However, beyond the planetary hocus-pocus, does it all even make sense? The answer to that, well, we might never know.
Anyways, Bitcoin is reportedly Sagittarius. Freedom is one of the most obvious attributes of a Sagittarius. Perhaps, this is why Bitcoin is free from the government’s control.
To the uninitiated, Bitcoin’s birth chart can’t really help you predict its price. I’m guessing folks with half a brain would come to the same conclusion too. Even so, maybe it’s important to keep your brain occupied with useless knowledge sometimes! For more details, however, refer to the chart below –
As per an Astrology Market report published by Allied Market Research, the global astrology industry was valued at $12.8 billion in 2021. In fact, it is projected to hit a valuation of $22.8 billion by 2031, growing at a CAGR of 5.7% from 2022 to 2031. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want this predictions market to grow that big.
Interestingly, even the ChatGPT AI bot is being used by many traders and investors across the board. However, it seems GPT and astrology are on the same page as far as accuracy of these predictions is concerned. The former is definitely more self-aware, I’ll give it that though.
Anyways, I’m sorry to disappoint all the astro-nerds out there, but last time I checked the planets were too busy orbiting the sun to worry about cryptocurrency prices! While astrology can be distracting and even entertaining, it’s far from the solution one should be looking for to financial questions and problems. Ergo, it’s best to stick to real-world analysis and research for crypto-predictions, rather than spying on the position of Venus from 38M miles away.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I need some detoxing from looking at all those natal charts. In order to forget the crappy analysis you just read, here’s an exercise for your brain – “Tell me, why did the astrologer refuse to predict the future for the snail?”
Here’s a hint – “The answer is very simple.”
If you know the answer, well, feel free to share it with a crypto-astrologer near you.